irony

after you left, friends would ask, as if the answer would comfort me, "was there anything wrong with him?" and i thought about it thinking surely there was something i disliked yet put aside... "nothing... everthing was great." i'd respond. i was honest. i could never think of a thing until now. you don't care as much as i do. it's no ones fault just the way things are. kharma possibly. you hesitate and i don't. i'm ready to give everything and you push me away. one month for every three. and it kills me. you've got me more scared than ever before.

i know he would always do anything for me. do whatever he could to make me happy, but it scares me that someone cares that much about me. he knows more about me than most and he still lingers. why wouldn't i just take that? what's wrong with that? someone willing to do whatever they can to keep you and please you? thats all i've ever asked from anyone else.

maybe it hurts so bad because i know exactly how you feel... what you want you can't have, and what wants you you're scared of. i'm your book on the shelf and i can't do that to him anymore. it's best to let him forget.

positive polly

'a blog created to keep up with the projects and doodles of a wanna-be fashion student'

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http://rachelwaylan.blogspot.com

this will slip into the sea

twenty eleven

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt








this new year, for me, means ambition.


am·bi·tion [am-bish-uhn] -noun 1. an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment.


so much planned for this year. beginning with a new blog to track my progress.

so caught up

lunar eclipse on a cloudy night
70 degrees on the first day of winter

that's my life... wrong place, wrong time. it's the winter solstice and all i can think is how much i miss july. trying so hard to be happy with what i'm given; with what's right in front of my face, but it's hard to be satisfied after being somewhere so much greater.

you're putting everyone to shame.

it's funny to see how i've grown and a changed over the years. still slightly a mess and in progress, but so far from where i've been. i'm realizing how strong i am and i'm setting so many new goals with such high hopes. i imagine 10 years from now i'll look back and feel even more a stranger to who i am now.


{But what do you do when you're out of touch, what do you do?
And how do you live with a conscience so caught up, how do you live?}

but my heart told my head

"this time no."

i just can't seem to find my feet this time.

ill never tell you of all the different ways you make me so afraid

you're starting to make me nervous.

please, dont let this be a waste of time.

in the midst of winter, i found there was, within me, and invincible summer.

woke up and walked through downtown in the cold and remembered just how much i love this season. it's like the chill in the air brings everyone closer.

ice skating is in my near future.

'cause we can give it time, so much time

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring." -George Santayana

i've always liked the idea of comparing life to the changing of seasons or feelings to waves in an ocean. things are always up and down and back and forth. in the past, it's been hard for me to accept those changes and not let them shake up my world. i've always been hopelessly in love with spring.

sometimes i think the key is to hold oneself back, to not let those highs get to high, but i've never been good at that either and what a sad way to live. afraid of the fall.

Say this is it
Don't say maybeDon't say no
Don't say hold onDon't say slow
Don't say next timeDon't say when
Don't say later
No, don't say then

Yeah, this is it
Don't be cautiousDon't think twice
Don't play it safeDon't put on ice
Don't chew it over
No, don't kick it around
Don't wait and seeDon't try to work it out

So don't tell me
It could all go wrong

No don't tell me
It could all be a mess

Oh, don't tell me
It could all be a waste of time

or you'll never know...

not the first, and not the worst

i could stay here, but i need a place to think. i need to get away, to be alone. i hate letting the people i know the best see me at my worst sometimes. maybe because i feel like it's getting old. and if you dont know me, you'll just assume i'm having a bad day. you won't know that this is a common thing.

and i hope you know it's not you, it's me.

but just my luck downtown is dead tonight. not near enough distractions. i swear there's a couples-only party by the river tonight or someone finding humor in jabbing fingers into my wounds. they seem so content like they've found everything they've been looking for. part of me feels sorry that they don't realize how fragile their situation is, yet i envy their blissful unawareness with every bone in my body.

you'd think by now i wouldn't be so easily swept up.
but when i'm happy im, oh so, happy.


i keep trying to focus on the bright side, at least someone new managed to bring my guard down; to let myself be so vulnerable. and experience tells me one day i won't even remember how this felt; what it was like to know you that way.


and i'm burning the only bridges left standing tonight;
desperate and wreckless.

tonight i'm wrapped up in the arms of a distraction, but all it's doing is reminding me that i'd much rather be some place else.

it's not you. it really has nothing to do with you. i'm just entirely disfunctional. but, again, somehow every hurt seems more painfull than the last and, honestly, i'm just tired. it feels like i'm running in circles; i'm sick of ending up here and , yes, maybe it's normal, but maybe i'm not cut out for it.


i feel as if i may never get this right.

"i wish i had said more."

où en sommes-nous, vous et moi?

quiet little monsters creep into my head i'll fall for you i'll fall for you i'll fall for you i'll fall...

when once you had believed it,

now you see it's sucking you in
to string you along with the pretense...

Cloud, block out the sun

Over me, over me

And spoil, spoil all the fun

Won’t you please

i'm anxious and in the dark.

c'mon, shed some light on me.

hoping for the best, yet half expecting the worst.

i like where this is going.

And the heat is turned all the way to full
So don't pretend that you don't feel the pull.

;)

flustered

i tend to get ahead of myself.

like when your tongue moves faster than your brain

or you body moves faster than your feet

that's me

in a nutshell.

don't get heavy

This dance, this dance
Is like a weapon, like a weapon
Of self-defense, of self-defense
Against the present
Against the present
The present tense

I don't get heavy
Don't get heavy
Keep it light and
Keep it moving
I am doing
No harm


i just wanna know where we stand.

one eye in the sun

one in the night

i think i've been walking in my sleep and dreaming through my days.

i feel stuck in between where i've been and where i'm going. i don't mind it, i'm just happy to have made it out alive. i was beginning to think it'd never end.


lately, i've hardly recognized you at all.

c’mon, can you count all the notches in your belt?

i'd rather not, let's just say i'm starving myself.
baby, put your name down on a piece of paper,

i don’t want no savior baby, i just wanna have a good time
oh, oh, at least i’m not as sad as i used to be.
c’mon can you count all the loves that didn’t last?

it’s such a gas when you bring up the past.
baby, put your name down on a piece of paper.

i don’t want no savior baby

i just wanna get it out.
i don’t fall in love, i just fake it.

i don’t fall in love. i don’t fall in love.

with buried heads, we both forget

it's been years since i last saw you. it's funny how everything rushes back so quickly. it's like hearing a song on the radio that you hadn't heard since you were a kid and every word comes back to you as if you'd heard it everyday.

i've missed you, doll.

"i'll be holding all the tickets..."

"..but you'll be owning all the fines."

endings have never been my strong suit. they always end in someone getting hurt and it's usually me. i can handle that though; i'm used to that. it's hurting someone else that i can't do. there's no right way.

just another hit and miss.

heard your broken voice on the telephone

made my heavy heart sink like a stone

and after all this time, i should have known

you'd let me down

right down to the bone

you know you're right, im incomplete

and i could never write down what i mean

and if you told me that the world, was ending tonight

that's alright by me

hey babe

i feel as though, i failed you

i feel as though, you don't want me

i keep kickin' myself

they say that anything can be replaced

found another girl to pass the days

she is beautiful, she has your face

there is nothing, time will not erase

and hey babe, I feel as though I've lost you

and I feel as though, you dont want me and I keep kickin' myself

and lately, when i sleep alone

i feel that, i oughta learn

you dont need me

just stop kidding myself

im loving this song and video

it's tricky when

"With a palmful of stars
I throw them like dice
Repeatedly
I shake them like dice
And throw them on the table
Repeatedly
Repeatedly
Until the desired constellation appears"

let's try this again.

why is it that we always seem to miss each other? the timing is always off with you and i. and, somehow, you always seem to find me again. i never wait around for you. i know you wouldn't want me to.

i've never been the type to hesitate. Regret is my least favorite feeling. so, once again, i am not waiting around for you, i'm going to take another chance on something else and see where this takes me. i think it will be very worth it.

i do miss those long drives and aimless conversations.
we seemed to say everything and nothing all at once.

"i love that, no matter how long we go without talking, it feels like nothings changed."
"me too."

i feel like we're back in that empty parking lot, in your white alero, years ago and you're telling me how you're so sorry, but that this is all you can give me and i'm still strangely content with the idea because somehow i know that one way or another i'll always have you.

you're the only bridge i haven't burned.