my heart is beating like a hammer,

to you:

FUCK YOU.

i love how as soon as you think you've got things figured out for yourself, everything flips upside down. everything truely does happen for a reason and it's proven to me more and more each day. i guess this is what makes life so exciting; it's a challenge and you never really know what's coming.

i'm ready.

p.s. time is moving much too slow.

"i'll break any single rule for you..."

"well i'll try to anyway."

i feel as if lately my eyes have been open to all the beauty and possibilities life has to offer. it's a fantastic feeling. how could i have been so blind? i've been so lucky in life and i am surrounded by the loveliest people. nothings perfect, but i'm choosing to ignore the ugly parts; it's a waste of my time.

i'm ridiculously excited for what the world has in store for me,

but i'm getting anxious. i feel like i'm standing still when i want to run.

let's enjoy the view together.

"let's bond."

A LITTLE ABOUT ME...
i go through funks. i'm miserable at returning phone calls and i have to be in a certain mood really get into a phone conversation. please don't take it personal. i'm a terrible long distance friend and i don't mean to be.


i've sort of dropped off the face of the earth for a minute, but for once it wasn't to sulk. i've been taking really good care of myself i feel like. i let myself go for quite a while. however, i've been neglecting a few important people and that needs to change.


three things i CANNOT wait for

1. bailey to return to me.
2. moving home (((:
3. my birfday.



to you,
you mean the world to me.
don't ever forget it.

when you float like a cannonball,

"love it taught me to lie, life it taught me to die, so it's not hard to fall..."

i feel like i've been sleeping for ages. just going through the motions. i don't understand how i got to where i am today. i've been letting people tell me how to feel and how to live. i've been running around in circles fighting the same fight and coming to the same conclusion. it all depends on me.

"i know life isn't fair, but why can't things just be okay for once in my life?"

"some people just aren't happy being happy."

i don't want to be one of those people. i refuse. for someone who has so much trouble putting his thoughts together, you always seem to find the most perfect and meaningful words.

[even the biggest mistakes will be forgotten.
don't let it all be in vain.]

life is one decision after another and there will always be an even more difficult one ahead. i can't seem to get my head around this. i've always been too indecisive i suppose that's why i find it so easy to let others do it for me and to simply settle.

do you ever have that dream where you're asleep and you can't wake up? it's as if all your joints have been smothered in cement and your eyelids sewn shut. i hate that. that's what i feel like. there's a cement wall holding me back from everything i want, from facing all my problems. i'm determined to break it down and piece my life back together.

it's time to grow up.
i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

and what to do about you...

"something is wrong with my mind

because you're in it all the time

And I crossed your name off my list

because you turned out just like the rest

I got a parachute just for my heart

so when i fall for you, it wont fall apart

and if you cheat you're going back to start

I'm in love with you, but you make things so damn hard."

how many chances must i give before you realize what you're risking? i can't seem to pry your fingers from of my heart or keep my chest from sinking. how many wounds can you make before i grow tired of bleeding? the ground i'm on is wearing thin and my mind is burning. where's my courage when i need it? maybe i can fake it for a little bit. it's like the words dripping from your tongue and the ones that sit deep in my lungs. it won't ever be enough. will it ever be enough? i've got a sickening feeling in my gut and her hands are aching with lust. do you think of me a while you're grazing her lips? while your hands find their way to her hips? or was that not enough? you found me waiting by the door but my all strength had fell to the floor. now i'm lacking sleep and my eyes are screaming defeat but i don't think that that's enough. tears are filling up our home as i sit here all alone. my thoughts are full of all my mistakes and i'm wondering how long it will take for me to be enough...

< / 3

i don't even know what to say. it's taking every ounce of strength in my body to stay together right now. all i can think is i wish i were home.

i just want to be happy.