change of plans

i feel like a horrible person to say that this is a bad thing. as if i want my him to deploy for a year. i don't at all. i know that it will be so hard, but i was looking forward so much to finally being home. i was making so many plans and getting my hopes up. i was excited for school and for spending time with all my favorite people. i thought things could be like old times for at least a few months.

"the sooner you except that things will never be the way they used to, the sooner you can move on." -- the o.c.

i wish that him and i could just leave this all behind and go home no strings attached. here's to wishful thinking. i suppose life is what you make of it. i just feel like im dressing up one bad situation after the next. i used to tell myself that when life is bad it's just because God is spending so much time on making another part of my life perfect. i'm still waiting.

i think i just need to open my eyes a little more.

eighteen forever [soco amaretto lime]

this song pretty much sums up everything feel about just about everything. i'm always stuck in the past and i hate change. it's so bittersweet. and at this point in my life especially i want nothing more than to stay a kid forever. best friends, a bottle of liquor, couple packs of cigarettes and the night will go on forever. no responsibilities no cares just right here right now. the best feeling in the world.

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous...

<3

everything happens for a reason,

so i'm done looking at this as a bad thing. if i'm happy about it then it can't bring me down; it can only bring me up. in about two hours i'll find out for sure and go from there. i'm nervous, excited, and terrified all in one. however, i am so thankful for a couple of amazing someones holding me together this week. i don't think i could ever love anyone more. it's good to know that somethings only get better.

i'm over everything else that was bringing me down. it's not even worth confronting. you live and you learn and people come and go. i'm learning to let go.

"this melancholy holds me down"

"i tend to be

stuck in minor key

then pale melancholy

holds me down

but luckily

you are so dear to me

in your charity

i go home"

for the past six years i've been running from something that i can't escape; myself. i've been searching high and low for an answer, a solution, but it always finds me. at times i'm so positive and motivated and i know that i can do anything, but before i know it i've been knocked down once again and there's no one around to blame. as cliche as it sounds, i am my own worst enemy. i hate how sensitive and co-dependent i am. i thrive off of the approval of others and if i don't see it then i crash. it's sad to think that i can't love myself unless someone else is loving me too. i don't want to be that person. i never wanted to be.

it feel as if part of me is that confident outgoing girl and the other half is just this pitiful self-loathing fraction of a person. i don't want to be percieved as some sort of suicidal debbie-downer. that's not me. i just feel like i have so much frustration built up inside of me and no one to let it out. depression is a disease and i want to find the rememedy.

i miss alot of someones and somethings.

"i’m so sorry

this melancholy

holds me down."

i promise from now on my blogging will be much more positive. :)

on second thought

i'm done letting silly things get to me and putting all of my energy into things and people that don't deserve it. i think it's time i start being a little selfish and really focusing on what makes me happiest. i've realized so many things about myself this year and the people i surround myself with and there are a few things that i don't like; i need to make some changes.

"i believe that everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that eventally you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

i'm done.

i'm ready to move on.