Tuesday, April 21, 2009

when you float like a cannonball,

"love it taught me to lie, life it taught me to die, so it's not hard to fall..."

i feel like i've been sleeping for ages. just going through the motions. i don't understand how i got to where i am today. i've been letting people tell me how to feel and how to live. i've been running around in circles fighting the same fight and coming to the same conclusion. it all depends on me.

"i know life isn't fair, but why can't things just be okay for once in my life?"
"some people just aren't happy being happy."

i don't want to be one of those people. i refuse. for someone who has so much trouble putting his thoughts together, you always seem to find the most perfect and meaningful words.

[even the biggest mistakes will be forgotten.
don't let it all be in vain.]

life is one decision after another and there will always be an even more difficult one ahead. i can't seem to get my head around this. i've always been too indecisive i suppose that's why i find it so easy to let others do it for me and to simply settle.

do you ever have that dream where you're asleep and you can't wake up? it's as if all your joints have been smothered in cement and your eyelids sewn shut. i hate that. that's what i feel like. there's a cement wall holding me back from everything i want, from facing all my problems. i'm determined to break it down and piece my life back together.

it's time to grow up.
i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

and what to do about you...

"something is wrong with my mind
because you're in it all the time
And I crossed your name off my list
because you turned out just like the rest
I got a parachute just for my heart
so when i fall for you, it wont fall apart
and if you cheat you're going back to start
I'm in love with you, but you make things so damn hard."

how many chances must i give before you realize what you're risking? i can't seem to pry your fingers from of my heart or keep my chest from sinking. how many wounds can you make before i grow tired of bleeding? the ground i'm on is wearing thin and my mind is burning. where's my courage when i need it? maybe i can fake it for a little bit. it's like the words dripping from your tongue and the ones that sit deep in my lungs. it won't ever be enough. will it ever be enough? i've got a sickening feeling in my gut and her hands are aching with lust. do you think of me a while you're grazing her lips? while your hands find their way to her hips? or was that not enough? you found me waiting by the door but my all strength had fell to the floor. now i'm lacking sleep and my eyes are screaming defeat but i don't think that that's enough. tears are filling up our home as i sit here all alone. my thoughts are full of all my mistakes and i'm wondering how long it will take for me to be enough...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

< / 3

i don't even know what to say. it's taking every ounce of strength in my body to stay together right now. all i can think is i wish i were home.

i just want to be happy.