in for the kill

let's go to war

to make peace

let's be cold

to create heat

i hope in darkness

we can see

and you're not blinded

by the light from me

for as much as i hate change and uncertainty, i am surprisingly okay with the way things are going. i'm starting to see the fun in not knowing. i like being forced to depend on myself and all the risks of being out of my comfort zone makes everything that much more enjoyable.

i realize more and more each day that i don't need you and never really did.

you're just as i remember, but i'm forgetting why it mattered

i'm too proud for love

there's a possibilitythere's a possibility
all that i had was all i'm gon' get
there's a possibilitythere's a possibility
all i'm gonna get is gone with your step
all i'm gonna get is gone with your step

so tell me when you hear my heart stop
you're the only one that knows
tell me when you hear my silence
there's a possibility i wouldn't know

know that when you leave
know that when you leave
by blood and by mean you walk like a theif
by blood and by mean and i fall when you leave

so tell me when you hear my heart stop
you're the only one that knows
tell me when you hear my silence
there's a possibility i wouldn't know

so tell me when my sigh is over
you're the reason why i'm close
tell me when you hear me falling
there's a possibility it wouldn't show

by blood and by mean i fall when you leave
by blood and by mean i follow your lead

love love love

i found the most amazing website by accident and thought i should share it with the world! save on crafts has such cute things--just about everything you could imagine.

like French Composition Lined Notebooks

and Correspondence Sticker Sets

and cute little Feather Birds

and cardboard play houses, and chandeliers, and just about everything a crafter could possibly need or want. i'm so excited for my first pay check so that i can buy a whole bunch of neat things that i don't really need! yaayyy!

i am not weak.

Knots in her hair and all lines
All lines are stripped bare
Just, oh, just wonderin
There's no love lost

No sir, there is no love left in here...


i'm really not sure how i feel about you. i'm really not sure how i feel about anything at this point--this wall has become so sturdy that i can't even hear what's scratching on the other side anymore. and i am strangely content with all of this. i only worry at odd times, like the middle of the night and on the way to work. i feel as if i should be more affected. i haven't written in quite some time. i really should write more often.

but when it hits me, it really hits me.

i'm working on becoming someone that i am proud of right now.

I am strong, I am not weak

I am not in a place where I can talk to you

I am not hot, I am not cold

I am not for sale, for I am sold
I am strong, I am not weak

I am not in a place where I can talk to you

I am not hot, I am not cold

I am not for sale, I am sold

I built this house, it took quite long

Sticks and stones, I made it strong

I locked it up, I gave you a key

But you didn't come home to me
I am strong, I am not weak

I am not in a place where I can talk to you

I am not hot, I am not cold

I am not for sale, I am sold

I am unaffected, yet quite confused

In a state of non security, of non security
I laugh a lot before I cry

I don't understand how you could lie to me

How you could lie to me
I am strong, I am not weak

I am not in a place where I can talk to you

I am not hot, I am not cold

I am not for sale, I am sold

I am not a prisoner, yet I'm not free

I lost my mind, but I can see

I feel a witch upon my back

She stole my soul, I want it back
I am strong, I am not weak

I am not in a place where I can talk to you

I am not hot, I am not cold

I am not for sale, for I am sold

I am sold, I am sold

i'm trying to stay positive right now.

hello autumn, stay for a while?

Fall it is the perfect day for movies and comfy clothes. i'm loving the cold, rainy weather. i'm spending all evening curled up on the couch in pj's. it's the best! (:

also loving...

bloglovin'

Follow my blog with bloglovin

i really think i hate you.

"Hope is not pretending that troubles don't exist. It is the trust that they will not last forever that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome. It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within to lead us through the dark to the light."

it's funny how all of life's hurts seem to hurt as if you've never felt pain before. i'm beginning to notice how these past two years have changed me. i feel like an abused puppy; hesitant and distrusting. i think seeing these changes hurts worse than the pain that caused it.

i really think i hate you.

"like the sun and the moon..."

"...i will circle you til you bloom."

regardless of everything, i'm feeling pretty great. i don't think i've ever recovered faster. i don't think i've ever been more proud. i'm finding all the pieces of myself that i left behind. marilyn monroe was right, sometimes good things do fall apart so that better things can fall together.

i guess i should thank you for showing me exactly how life shouldn't be.

lucy in the sky with diamonds

i have never been so ready for whats next. tonight was the perfect night. my life starts now.




"and everything is going to the beat."


my heart is singing right now
the past is burning out of me
like a fever
this cold is draining from my pores
and i've never been so satisfied
it's so perfect
nothing matters
just beats and blood and sweat
teeth grinding
music stretching from my ear
the past is burning out of me
let it scream out of every corner
i
've
never
been
more ready

don't look back

five days from today marks a new chapter in my life. there are many things from the past year and a half that i'd like to forget, but had it not been for those things i might not be as ready for my future. i've learned so much about myself and there's so much i can't wait to leave behind.

{i always thought i was a weak person... but i guess i must be strong to have made it this far without building a wall around my heart. i just don't understand how someone could not want to feel. yeah, life hurts, but it also feels so incredible! i could never give up that chance of happiness just to keep myself safe.}

i have a good feeling about this. (:

looking forward to:

1. moving back to Little Rock.

2. all the bffie time i could possibly want.

3. new job. (or two.)

4. new life.

5. starting school again.

6. working on opening an online boutique. (keep your eyes peeled.)

7. decorating my new apartment (:

my future work room <3

dear friend, as you know,

your flowers are all withering
your mother's gone missing
your leaves have drifted away

but the clouds are clearing up
and i've come reveling
burning incandescently
like a bastard on the burning sea

but you're just like your father
buried deep under the water
you're resting on your laurels
and stepping on my toes
whose side are you on?
what side is this anyways?
put down your sword and crown
come lay with me on the ground.

you come beating like moth's wings
spastic and violently -
whipping me into a storm
shaking me down to the core
but you've run away from me
and you've left me shimmering
like diamond wedding rings
spinning dizzily down on the ground

i swear my mind works against me sometimes.

waitingggg

can't wait !!

in about three weeks i will be starting fresh. no more yucky upstate new york. i will finally have a life again. i'm so ready to feel independent.

my heart is beating like a hammer,

to you:

FUCK YOU.

i love how as soon as you think you've got things figured out for yourself, everything flips upside down. everything truely does happen for a reason and it's proven to me more and more each day. i guess this is what makes life so exciting; it's a challenge and you never really know what's coming.

i'm ready.

p.s. time is moving much too slow.

"i'll break any single rule for you..."

"well i'll try to anyway."

i feel as if lately my eyes have been open to all the beauty and possibilities life has to offer. it's a fantastic feeling. how could i have been so blind? i've been so lucky in life and i am surrounded by the loveliest people. nothings perfect, but i'm choosing to ignore the ugly parts; it's a waste of my time.

i'm ridiculously excited for what the world has in store for me,

but i'm getting anxious. i feel like i'm standing still when i want to run.

let's enjoy the view together.

"let's bond."

A LITTLE ABOUT ME...
i go through funks. i'm miserable at returning phone calls and i have to be in a certain mood really get into a phone conversation. please don't take it personal. i'm a terrible long distance friend and i don't mean to be.


i've sort of dropped off the face of the earth for a minute, but for once it wasn't to sulk. i've been taking really good care of myself i feel like. i let myself go for quite a while. however, i've been neglecting a few important people and that needs to change.


three things i CANNOT wait for

1. bailey to return to me.
2. moving home (((:
3. my birfday.



to you,
you mean the world to me.
don't ever forget it.

when you float like a cannonball,

"love it taught me to lie, life it taught me to die, so it's not hard to fall..."

i feel like i've been sleeping for ages. just going through the motions. i don't understand how i got to where i am today. i've been letting people tell me how to feel and how to live. i've been running around in circles fighting the same fight and coming to the same conclusion. it all depends on me.

"i know life isn't fair, but why can't things just be okay for once in my life?"

"some people just aren't happy being happy."

i don't want to be one of those people. i refuse. for someone who has so much trouble putting his thoughts together, you always seem to find the most perfect and meaningful words.

[even the biggest mistakes will be forgotten.
don't let it all be in vain.]

life is one decision after another and there will always be an even more difficult one ahead. i can't seem to get my head around this. i've always been too indecisive i suppose that's why i find it so easy to let others do it for me and to simply settle.

do you ever have that dream where you're asleep and you can't wake up? it's as if all your joints have been smothered in cement and your eyelids sewn shut. i hate that. that's what i feel like. there's a cement wall holding me back from everything i want, from facing all my problems. i'm determined to break it down and piece my life back together.

it's time to grow up.
i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

and what to do about you...

"something is wrong with my mind

because you're in it all the time

And I crossed your name off my list

because you turned out just like the rest

I got a parachute just for my heart

so when i fall for you, it wont fall apart

and if you cheat you're going back to start

I'm in love with you, but you make things so damn hard."

how many chances must i give before you realize what you're risking? i can't seem to pry your fingers from of my heart or keep my chest from sinking. how many wounds can you make before i grow tired of bleeding? the ground i'm on is wearing thin and my mind is burning. where's my courage when i need it? maybe i can fake it for a little bit. it's like the words dripping from your tongue and the ones that sit deep in my lungs. it won't ever be enough. will it ever be enough? i've got a sickening feeling in my gut and her hands are aching with lust. do you think of me a while you're grazing her lips? while your hands find their way to her hips? or was that not enough? you found me waiting by the door but my all strength had fell to the floor. now i'm lacking sleep and my eyes are screaming defeat but i don't think that that's enough. tears are filling up our home as i sit here all alone. my thoughts are full of all my mistakes and i'm wondering how long it will take for me to be enough...

< / 3

i don't even know what to say. it's taking every ounce of strength in my body to stay together right now. all i can think is i wish i were home.

i just want to be happy.

the wackness

i really love it. you should really watch it. seriously, you'll love it. if not, then you are confused.

"know what your problem is, shapiro? it's that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? i don't have that problem. i just look at the dopeness. but you, it's like you just look at the wackness, ya know?"

"so that was all bullshit right? all that stuff about embracing your pain, making it a part of you? you can't do this, you can't just give up. life is hard and it's full of pain and what-not, but we take it cause there's great stuff too. and we can do it cause we have friends- because we have each other."



ahhhhhhhh i love it. i love it love it love it.

watch it asap and take it all in and then do with it what you will. as Stephen Chbosky said, "be a filter, not a sponge."

you're the honey and the moon

Don't know why I'm still afraid

If you weren't real I would make you up

now

I wish that I could follow through

I know that your love is true

and deep

[as the sea]

but right now

everything you want is wrong,

and right now

all your dreams are waking up,

and right now

I wish I could follow you

to the shores

of freedom,

where no one lives.

{Remember when we first met

and everything was still a bet}

in love's game

you would call; I'd call you back

and then I'd leave

a message

on your answering

machine

But right now

everything is turning blue,

and right now

the sun is trying to kill the moon,

and right now

I wish I could follow you

to the shores

of freedom,

[where no one lives.]

Freedom,

run away tonight

freedom, freedom

run away

run away tonight

We're made out of [blood] and [rust]

looking for someone to trust

without

a fight

I think that you came too soon

you're the {honey and the moon}

that lights

up my night

But right now

everything you want is wrong,

and right now

all your dreams are waking up,

and right now

I wish that I could follow you

to the shores

of freedom

where no one lives

We got too much time to kill

[like pigeons on my windowsill]

we hang around

{Ever since I've been with you}

you hold me up

all the time I'm falling down

But right now

everything is turning blue,

and right now

{the sun is trying to kill the moon,}

and right now

i wish i could follow you

to the shores

of freedom

where no one lives

freedom

run away tonight

freedom freedom

run away

run away tonight

this song says it better than i ever could. this could have been so perfect, if it came at any other time. at this point in my life i should be making all of my dreams come true, but i can't. is love worth putting your life on hold? or will leaving your dreams for someone eventually spoil what love you have? did we grow up too soon?

"all your dreams are waking up..."

"i think that you came too soon"

i need some time for myself, but i'm not giving up. i just wish we could skip ahead together. {run away tonight.}

"i wish i could."

"you can."

update

so, my friend derek is taking an environmental science class and it got me thinking about living a little greener. Starting today, in addition to using those green cleaning products, i'll be returning my plastic bags to wal-mart and recycling my cans and bottles.

you should consider changing at least one thing about the way you're living as well. start small. i mean, why not?



changing the subject, i have this new ridiculous obsession with the o.c.. i have no idea where it came from. i'm just hooked. i guess that's what happens when you have no life and an addictive personality. i love marissa and her alcohol problems and seth and his incessant talking and i love all the relationship problems. well i don't love the relationship problems, but they always keep me coming back for more.

gawd, i need a social life.

i'm going to go make some coffee. you go watch the o.c. so that you will understand.

change of plans

i feel like a horrible person to say that this is a bad thing. as if i want my him to deploy for a year. i don't at all. i know that it will be so hard, but i was looking forward so much to finally being home. i was making so many plans and getting my hopes up. i was excited for school and for spending time with all my favorite people. i thought things could be like old times for at least a few months.

"the sooner you except that things will never be the way they used to, the sooner you can move on." -- the o.c.

i wish that him and i could just leave this all behind and go home no strings attached. here's to wishful thinking. i suppose life is what you make of it. i just feel like im dressing up one bad situation after the next. i used to tell myself that when life is bad it's just because God is spending so much time on making another part of my life perfect. i'm still waiting.

i think i just need to open my eyes a little more.

eighteen forever [soco amaretto lime]

this song pretty much sums up everything feel about just about everything. i'm always stuck in the past and i hate change. it's so bittersweet. and at this point in my life especially i want nothing more than to stay a kid forever. best friends, a bottle of liquor, couple packs of cigarettes and the night will go on forever. no responsibilities no cares just right here right now. the best feeling in the world.

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous...

<3

everything happens for a reason,

so i'm done looking at this as a bad thing. if i'm happy about it then it can't bring me down; it can only bring me up. in about two hours i'll find out for sure and go from there. i'm nervous, excited, and terrified all in one. however, i am so thankful for a couple of amazing someones holding me together this week. i don't think i could ever love anyone more. it's good to know that somethings only get better.

i'm over everything else that was bringing me down. it's not even worth confronting. you live and you learn and people come and go. i'm learning to let go.

"this melancholy holds me down"

"i tend to be

stuck in minor key

then pale melancholy

holds me down

but luckily

you are so dear to me

in your charity

i go home"

for the past six years i've been running from something that i can't escape; myself. i've been searching high and low for an answer, a solution, but it always finds me. at times i'm so positive and motivated and i know that i can do anything, but before i know it i've been knocked down once again and there's no one around to blame. as cliche as it sounds, i am my own worst enemy. i hate how sensitive and co-dependent i am. i thrive off of the approval of others and if i don't see it then i crash. it's sad to think that i can't love myself unless someone else is loving me too. i don't want to be that person. i never wanted to be.

it feel as if part of me is that confident outgoing girl and the other half is just this pitiful self-loathing fraction of a person. i don't want to be percieved as some sort of suicidal debbie-downer. that's not me. i just feel like i have so much frustration built up inside of me and no one to let it out. depression is a disease and i want to find the rememedy.

i miss alot of someones and somethings.

"i’m so sorry

this melancholy

holds me down."

i promise from now on my blogging will be much more positive. :)

on second thought

i'm done letting silly things get to me and putting all of my energy into things and people that don't deserve it. i think it's time i start being a little selfish and really focusing on what makes me happiest. i've realized so many things about myself this year and the people i surround myself with and there are a few things that i don't like; i need to make some changes.

"i believe that everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that eventally you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

i'm done.

i'm ready to move on.

said the paper to the pen

"there's no poetry between us and i get nothing for my trouble but the ink beneath my skin."

something's burning in the attic

that her tonge cannot defend.

there's so much that i want to say to you, but i can't. the words can't find there way out of my mouth. i'm tired of caring. i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of pretending. i meant everything i've said. if you needed, i would be there in a heartbeat. i'm sick of making priorities and only being an option.

i need something i just wish i knew what it was.

it's like there are oceans between me and everything else.